Why money problems are in fact relationship problems
Reading time: 5 minutes
Hi there,
Have you ever found yourself splurging on Black Friday or booking an extravagant vacation, only to feel a wave of regret afterward?
If so, well, you’re not alone!
Take my client Kylie, for example. She opened up to me about her overwhelming urge to shop, which feels completely out of control every single time. Picture this: it’s Monday morning, she’s at her desk, trying to focus on work, but all she can think about is this gorgeous pair of shoes she spotted online last night.
The fear of missing out eats at her: what if they all sell out?
In those moments, logic goes out the window. She feels as though she needs those shoes to get through her day, and before she knows it, she’s clicking “buy” without thinking it through, just to quiet that nagging in her mind (you know that itching feeling).
Sure, there’s a quick rush of excitement when the package arrives, but it’s followed by the heavy wave of guilt and shame cycle. You see, Kylie has never saved or invested for her future, and she feels trapped in this endless chase for that dopamine hit.
The interpersonal nature of money problems
In Adlerian psychology, there’s a powerful idea that all problems are fundamentally interpersonal relationship problems.
This means that our financial challenges often stem from how we relate to others and the expectations we feel from society.
Think about this: When was the last time you spent money to buy something only for you, and not for others?
Whether it’s that pair of shoe, the latest tech gadget, or an expensive dinner out with friends, these purchases can be driven by a desire to maintain a certain image or social status.
We often feel pressure to keep up with our peers or conform to societal norms, which can lead us to make financial decisions that don’t align with our true values.
Returning to Kylie’s story, her money problems aren’t just about finances. They’re tied to her need to belong and fit in with a certain group. Would she care about this pair of shoes if they were invisible to the eyes of others?
Communication: the key to financial awareness
One of the biggest challenges in managing money is understanding the motivations behind our spending habits.
Many people avoid reflecting on their financial choices because they fear facing uncomfortable truths about their desires and behaviours.
Instead of shying away from these feelings, having open conversations with ourselves about why we make certain financial decisions can help us gain clarity.
Ask yourself: Are you spending money because you genuinely want something, or is it because you feel pressured by others?
Easier said than done!
But, without asking the right questions, you will never find the right answers.
For Kylie, this means enduring that uncomfortable moment of desiring something (this itchiness) so she can shift from emotional decision-making to rational thinking, i.e. making her realised that she doesn’t need those shoes, she just wants them. Tip: anything that can ground you such as taking a deep breath, calling a supportive friend, journaling your thoughts, or even hitting the gym….
Reframing financial conversations
What if we change our inner narratives?
“I need this new outfit to fit in.”
versus
“How does this purchase align with my personal goals?”
This simple shift in perspective can help you make more intentional choices. Here are some practical tips to gain clarity between wants vs needs:
Reflect on your spending triggers:
What triggers my spending habits? Are they influenced by social pressures?
Take a moment to identify what prompts you to spend. Is it social media influence? A desire for acceptance? Driven by an emotion (stress, loneliness..)?
Understanding these triggers can help you make more conscious decisions.
Set personal financial goals:
What do I really want in life?
Define what truly matters to you financially.
Whether it’s saving for a dream vacation or building an emergency fund, having clear goals can help steer your spending in a more positive direction.
Practice mindful spending:
How do I feel when I make purchases driven by the desire to fit in? What steps can I take to align my spending with my true values and goals?
Before making a purchase, pause and consider whether it aligns with your values and goals.
Ask yourself if this item will bring you lasting happiness or if it’s just a short term dopamine hit.
For Kylie, she has long-term financial goals like retirement, but planning for 30+ years down the line just doesn’t have the same appeal as the instant gratification of shopping. To regain balance, she breaks her goals into short-term personal milestones. By focusing on smaller, achievable targets, she can create a sense of accomplishment that keeps her motivated and helps her resist the temptation of immediate purchases.
As I’m writing this newsletter, I can’t help but think about how our relationships and the pressures from society feel even more intense during the holiday season. It’s a time when our financial behaviours are closely tied with how we connect with others.
Are we buying gifts to impress others?
Are we spending out of fear of rejection?
Are we making purchases to avoid judgment?
Are we planning just to keep up with the crowd?
By improving our awareness and understanding the interpersonal dynamics at play, we can better tackle our financial challenges.
So the next time you’re dealing with a money-related issue, remember to be kind to yourself. Don’t rush to conclusions. It might not be a money problem after all. Take a step back. Reflect on how social influences might have been shaping your financial decisions.
Build your financial confidence to set financial boundaries with yourself and with others,
Sophie
PS: This holiday season, Kylie decided to suggest a Secret Santa with her family. This way, not only it makes shopping simpler but also helps avoid the chaos of buying multiple wasteful items. (Bonus point: it’s a win for the environment!) Have you thought about your own holiday spending plan?
